My dad had a difficult childhood. My grandfather abandoned my grandmother, went abroad and started a new family with another woman.
My dad was one of five children in the broken home that this man left behind. My grandmother became a single mum, raising all these kids by herself. Being an abandoned woman was probably considered shameful back in the day. Life was difficult. There were probably whispers around her, and the family was probably treated differently by some people. My grandmother had to work very hard, and even then, she had to rely on the charity of the local church community to help her feed and take care of the children. Her eldest son became almost like a father figure to his younger siblings. He started working and supporting the family when he was very young.
My dad and his other siblings were luckier. They were allowed to be children for longer.
My dad did well at school. He was awarded a number of scholarships since his secondary school years. He graduated from university and later did a Master’s degree while he was working. This qualification was considered very prestigious by people in his generation. He became a civil engineer and was able to work for the government.
For me, I got very far academically, but the opportunities came much more easily to me. I did not have to worry financially because of my parents, but my dad created all the life opportunities that he had for himself. He advanced academically, professionally and socially through incredible determination and hard work. It was never just handed to him.
He came from a broken home, but he did not become an absent father when he grew up. He met my mum and they started a family together. He provided for us and gave us a happy home. I had a wonderful childhood and lived a very sheltered life.
When my sister and I were older, we started noticing that some of our classmates were going abroad to study and we talked about how nice it would be to live in a different country. Before we knew it, my dad started looking for schools for us. It was not as easy as it is today. My mum and dad had to go to an agency to get a copy of a printed guide. It had a list of schools and all the addresses. My dad drafted a letter template and printed out letters addressed to at least a hundred schools! His office turned into a little factory. I remember my mum putting the letters into envelopes one by one while my dad was sending out tons of emails and filling in application forms for us.
We were all very excited.
For my parents, the plan was always for my mum to live abroad with us. My dad decided that it was best for him to remain in our home country by himself, because his civil service job paid very well. It was not uncommon for people to send their children abroad for education, but very few would even think of letting their mothers go with them. That was what my parents thought was the best thing to do for us. They did not want us to grow up in boarding schools.
My parents made sacrifices for us and and never expected anything in return. It was an unspoken expression of unconditional love for us.
For years, my dad returned home to an empty flat. He paid really pricey phone bills to keep in touch with us. It was still early days for the technology of video calls, and we only connected to the internet when we had to use it. I remember that we used to note down when and for how long we used the internet. My dad called us every night as he was lying in bed after a tiring day at work, and he came to see us whenever he could. We remained close even though he was halfway across the globe most of the time.
He always made sure that all our needs were taken care of. When we first came over to a different country, he flew over here with us and he stayed with us for several months to make sure that everything was settled. He took us to school with my mum, and met our teachers. He wanted to know that we were happy with our school before he flew home. I was really young and carefree at the time, so I don’t think I gave much thought to the fact that Dad would eventually have to leave us – until the time came.
The day before he left, I found both of my parents and my sister crying in the kitchen. They were sitting around the dining room table. My sister cried really easily, so she probably started it. Dad looked up and saw me. I sat with them, but I did not cry. My dad later took me aside and told me that it was okay to cry. He was worried. I think I cried later when I was in the shower.
In my mind, I can still see the image of my dad at the door, as he was about to leave the house. He did not want us to go to the airport with him. He wanted us to remain safely home. We were all very sad. My parents had always been affectionate with us and with each other, but it was the first time that my dad kissed my mum on the lips in front of us.
For the longest time, I had forgotten about Dad telling me that it was okay for me to cry. The memory came back to me recently – after we lost him. I now remember that he had always encouraged us to express our emotions freely when we were little. I realised that my dad was the most loving, emotionally available and expressive man I know. He related to his daughters in a way that I am sure a lot of fathers – especially those who grew up in broken homes – have trouble doing. He really did give us all the love, affection, encouragement, environment, life opportunities and resources to thrive.
I remember listening to a John Mayer song called “In the Blood”. This is how one of the verses goes:
“How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?”
If anyone out there reading this post is from an unhappy home and is wondering the same thing as John Mayer, please know that you are not cursed or destined to have an unhappy family life all your life.
I really do believe that we can all create a happy family for ourselves if that is what we want in life.
My dad was a go-getter who made things happen for himself. He remained unbroken by the brokenness left behind by his father. He did not let that define him and become his identity. My dad did not talk in detail about certain things, but I know that he definitely experienced some trauma when he was little. I could tell that he was sometimes reminded of his childhood memories, from the way that he responded to certain things and what I assumed were his emotional triggers.
That did not stop him, however. He was strong and he believed in himself. He lived with hope, and his heart remained open to love. He was a loving man, and he managed to find someone to build a family with and had two children with my mum. He also manifested resources and abundance for himself. Over the course of his eventful life, he went from a little boy living in poverty to a well-adjusted man living a comfortable life. He was able to provide for and give financial security to a family of four.
If you need something to help you believe that this is possible for you too, I hope that my dad’s inspiring story gives you some hope.